To inflate lifejacket, pull cord

Five foreign prisoners reoffended

"At least five of the foreign prisoners freed without being deported have gone on to commit more serious crimes.

Home Secretary Charles Clarke said the five had been convicted since release for offences relating to drugs, violent disorder and inflicting bodily harm.

One of the five had also been accused of rape but there had not been enough evidence so far to prosecute."

Tragic, and inevitable.

Yet Mr Clarke has stated once more his refusal to resign:

"I believe I have the ability, knowledge and talent to lead the Home Office in the best way to deal with those issues and that is what I intend to do,"

Hold on, let's re-write that so it reads rather more truthfully:

"I believe I have the ability arrogance, knowledge ignorance and talent utter incompetence to lead the Home Office in the best way to cling onto my job despite the total pig's ear I've made of the whole shebang since I took over from the last bloke who was forced to leave under a cloud."

It's clear Mr Clarke will not go willingly (he is a New Labour minister, after all), but I shall be keenly watching the Parliament Channel in the hope of witnessing the moment when he is dragged screaming and kicking from his post, through the large vat of tar and feathers that has been simmering in anticipation for the last three days.